On Being Held

Just Be Held
written by Mark Hall of Casting Crowns

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

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I am not easily held. When I'm upset or when I'm crying, my instinct says to run. I learned early on that tears and anger were best kept to myself, and that whatever resolution was to come had to come from me. 

I have been mulling over the concept of surrender for years. It is the word that has come to me in times of meditation or prayer, the word that points to what needs to happen in order for me to get past ... oh, to get past everything. There's another Casting Crowns song that asks "Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender?" That's me. How close can I get without actually surrendering? 

If, however, I view surrender from the vantage point of finally allowing myself to be held, then things seem different. Surrender becomes not a free fall, but a catch. 

I've been practicing this with my husband. There have been numerous occasions to cry recently - migraines being the top culprit - and each time I have gotten closer and closer to allowing him to hold me. Two days ago I came home from work with a blistering headache and I was tired of pushing through the pain. I have lived with headaches for most of my adult life but I didn't want to be brave or be a fighter anymore. I laid my head against his shoulder and cried as he held me. I didn't want to be anywhere else in the world at that moment.

I stopped holding on to the notion that I had to go through that alone. I stopped holding on to my idea that I am strong and capable and that no one can comfort me. I allowed myself to be held and it was wonderful.

I imagine now how wonderful it would feel to allow myself to be held in the arms of God.