Three Weeks Later

That first glass of red wine was amazing. I almost couldn't drink it, couldn't get it past my lips because I had denied myself for so long.

But when I did take that first sip, oh my. I truly enjoyed it. I savored the experience, sitting with my daughter and husband, the Christmas tree all lit up, the room warm and cozy. I tried to put into words what this year has been like or what it meant, but really mostly I just sat there and said "Wow". 

I can't believe I did it. 

Since then, the experience of drinking has been uneventful. It has also been mildly not-as-enjoyable as I would have thought. 

The first Manhattan?  Just okay.

The first gin martini? Eh. 

After all this time I thought that they would be extra good. Could my memory of what alcohol tastes like be that unreliable? Or did my tastes change during the YONA?

In an effort to find the taste that I remember I almost slipped right back into nightly drinking, as if my year long abstinence was a dream that I awoke from, shook off, and quickly forgot.

But I'm saying no to that. It's not what I want.

I've decided that alcohol is now just a drink of choice on occasion. I want those occasions to be more like that delicious first sip of red wine on December 6th, and not at all like the every night glasses of nondescript wine that happened the year before the YONA. The rules that I wrote about before won't be needed because I trust myself to make the right choices.

I'm glad I had a Year of No Alcohol. 

I am also glad that it's over.

I Thought I Would Write More

Funny how that's the thing I've been thinking for the past 24 hours. I thought I would write more. 

I thought that having this blog to chronicle the ups and downs - and honestly I was anticipating more downs than ups - would encourage me to write more. I started with the expectation that I would post twice a week. Then I said I would post at least once a week. This last month I haven't written anything. 

Part of that is due to a family situation that has taken up a lot of my attention. I felt like I couldn't write about it, and writing about anything else didn't seem natural. But that's really just the end of the line. All through the year I didn't write as often as I thought I would.

A year has passed. What do I have to show for it? Some insight. Some appreciation for my own fortitude. Some gratitude for the support of those around me. 

I could have written a book. I could have learned a language. I could have practiced and been able to do a pull up or ten. 

Why this? Why no alcohol? 

I still don't know. 

Suddenly I'm okay with that. A friend told me recently that I have a tendency to make things my fault. I can turn most anything into being about my shortcomings. I'm not going to do that with the YONA. Sure I didn't do anything else, but I did this. 

I made a promise to myself and I kept it. 

A hundred times, a thousand times, I could have had a drink and no one would have been the wiser. I could have cheated but I didn't. That's really important to me. I've said in the past that I don't trust myself, but now I know that I can.

That will be helpful in the coming months as I navigate learning how to drink again. I don't want to go back to how I was drinking before. I won't make it a nightly ritual for "stress relief" or for rewarding myself for a difficult day. I can make a plan about when and how much I will drink, and I know that I can trust myself to do just that.

I did it. A Year of No Alcohol. 

Go me.