A Can of Tuna Fish

This would have been an entirely different post if I had written it yesterday.

Yesterday I was full of hope, riding high on a little bit of weight loss, and a sense of a new beginning. Today, even though I spent the first part of the day in celebration with a group of women at church, today all I feel is hungry. I've been hungry all week.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

About eight days ago I met with my trainer Marcus and agreed to a six week, three time a week workout schedule with him. I also agreed to utilize some nutrition software that he had. The software had a number of different meal plans you could choose, so I thought I would see what some of them were all about before signing up for one. The first one I investigated was "Extreme Fat Loss" - bingo! That sounded perfect. I looked at the meals - basically it was a lean protein and either rice or potato for most meals, with protein shakes as snacks. No way, I thought. I hate protein shakes. Next!

Except there was no next. There was a glitch in the program that kept me from returning to the home screen and selecting another plan. I texted Marcus who told me to just give that one a try.

That's part one.

Part two is the book that I mentioned a few weeks back, Made to Crave. After reading it I felt ready to explore another option, another way of dealing with food. So against all of the voices in my head screaming "NOOOO!" I said "I can do that" and agreed to the food plan for six weeks.

The thing is, I've listened to those screaming voices for all of my life and what have they gotten me? They've gotten me into this struggle, into this fight I have with knowing what to eat and eating what I want. I have relied on my own "power" to force myself to eat things I don't like and to give up things I do like and have hated it almost every step of the way. 

This time - and this is why I haven't written in weeks, because I am afraid of making this next statement - this time I am approaching compliance to the food plan as obedience to God.

I have not been tempted, not once, to eat anything off of the plan. It has not been a struggle, there has been no back and forth in my head about "I want this. I can't have this. It's not fair I can't have this. One bite won't matter. I'm too fat to eat this. If I were a skinny woman I could eat this." There has been no chatter, no voices crying out.

There has, however, been a lot of hunger.

A couple of years ago I asked a woman trainer I know what she eats for a snack and she told me that sometimes she eats a can of plain tuna fish. Later on that day I ranted to a friend of mine that I would never, EVER, eat a can of tuna fish for a snack.

Today I ate a can of plain tuna fish with gratitude.

I was hungry. I've been hungry all week and today it came crashing down on me. I am weak and I am angry that I am hungry. I want to sleep so that I can more quickly pass the hours between when I am allowed to eat again. I am still not tempted to eat something other than what is on the plan. I made deviled eggs and potato salad (with bacon!) and crab cakes to take to my father, and I was not tempted to eat any of it. I am committed to obedience to God but that doesn't make me any less hungry.

Lisa TerKeurst, the author of Made to Crave, quoted a passage in the bible that I have thought of often this week.

You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north.
Deuteronomy 2:3 (NAS)

I have thought about my weight loss struggle as a climb up a mountain. Sometimes I ascend, other times I slide back down. During the times when I have been at the top of the scale and the bottom of the mountain I have imagined gazing up at it, wondering "Can I do this again?"

This is not about my weight or my food or alcohol. I have circled that mountain long enough. 

It is time to turn north.

I'll be bringing my cans of tuna fish with me.