After the YONA

I've been thinking about what is life going to look like after my YONA.

I don't want to go back to nightly drinking so I've been checking in with myself just about every night and asking "Would I drink now if I weren't doing the YONA?" Mostly the answer is yes. I wonder if that is because I haven't been drinking, so every time I think of drinking I think "yes". 

I'm concerned. I wonder if I have "it", whatever it is that makes conscious alcohol choices a normal and natural thing. Whatever "it" is that doesn't make one automatically say yes.

I've looked at other choices that I make. I almost always say yes to homemade cookies, but I can say no to them when they are store bought. I can say no to candy. There are two bags of Halloween candy sitting in the office and I am not tempted at all. I can say no to most bread, no to pizza, no to many other things that are okay in moderation. 

Can I say no to wine? Can I come home after a long day at work and say, and mean it, that I choose not to drink wine even though it is right there?

I'm not sure.

So here is Plan A. After the initial celebration weekend I am only going to drink on Fridays or when we go out to eat. I will not drink on a night before I work, which includes working on Sunday morning at church with the Children's Ministry. 

I admit, a part of me is sad that I have decided only to drink on one night of the week and is afraid that I won't stick with it. However, if I can go for an entire year without drinking I can certainly go six days in a row. On the other hand, once the YONA is over will I have the incentive to keep my promise to myself? 

That's part of what this is all about. (There are so many things, aren't there?) I want to know that I can trust myself. I want to stop making promises and breaking them when the going gets tough. 

I think that learning moderation is going to be more difficult than practicing abstinence.

Bourbon

I've been wanting bourbon today. 

It hasn't overtaken red wine as my first choice of first drink, but it has definitely been on my mind. It's the smell of it, the first sharp taste of it, the smooth sliding down the throat of it. 

As I get closer to the end of the YONA it has been increasingly more challenging to keep the "want" at bay. It was easier when I had months and months to go - the end was so far away that thinking about it wasn't productive at all. Now that I am closing in on two months to go I have allowed myself the luxury - and by luxury apparently I mean torture - of thinking about drinking again. 

I won't quit. I won't get this close and then ditch it for the momentary satisfaction of a glass of something. 

But I won't lie either. I am really looking forward to that first drink.