Be Less

So I was reading a book a couple weeks ago and the author suggested that sometimes we should ask God what to pray about. I thought it sounded like a good idea so that night I asked God "What should I ..." and before I could even get the question completely formed in my mind the answer came. 

Be less.

It's like he had been waiting for me to ask.

Now, be more, I get. I am always looking for ways to be more healthy, more helpful, more friendly, more consistent, more fun. But less? What do I need to be less of?

There were some immediate answers. Be less self critical. Be less demanding. Be less impatient. While those are all things I need to work on, I didn't think that was the direction God was leading me. Those are all really just a different way to say be more. Be more self accepting. Be more flexible. Be more patient.

In the following weeks I mulled this over. I said little prayers asking for more information, but God kept quiet. Obviously this was an assignment for me to figure out. 

Be less.

I've noticed that while thinking about this I am at peace. It flies in the face of the "not good enough" thoughts that took over my brain long ago. It takes away the striving, all of the "I should"s and the "I ought to"s. 

I've also been contemplating why I'm here and what I'm supposed to be doing. I read a lot of empowering words, people telling other people that there is a grand purpose for our lives and we should risk all to achieve those things. There is only going to be one me in the world ever and I have an important part to play. I need to get at it!

Talk about stressful. This is the ultimate Be More.

So while I still can't put into words what I think Be Less means I sense it has something to do with not trying so hard. I am no longer focused on the big "why am I here and what should I be doing?" question and more focused on today, right here, right now. 

Be less.

I am looking at the trees and not the forest, and certainly not the path through the forest while trying to figure out where it ends and what I should be building as I travel along it.

I think Be Less is just another way for God to wrap his arms around me and say "Hush".

Eight Months Down Four To Go

About ten days late with this post, but I just passed the two thirds mark for the YONA. 

I no longer am afraid that when I start drinking again I will fall back into the same old patterns. This past week was challenging and not once did I wish I could drink the pain away. Not once did I try to eat the pain away either. It was just abundantly clear to me that neither one of those options would make me feel better. 

I reached for God to help me through the tough times. Unfortunately, if he was there I didn't feel his presence. So I sat and felt the pain, and then I cried and I felt the pain some more. And when I thought I was done with it, and I was all on board, opening my heart again with a promise to God that I wouldn't hide, I was blindsided by a pain, a heartache, that left me reeling. 

Here's my heart, I said to God. I won't wall it off. I won't hide it to keep it from being hurt. I will keep opening up and trusting. And then I got slammed.

What do I make of this? What kind of answer is that to give me? 

This is faith, or at least it is my faith as it currently stands. I still trust God. I don't know why the heartaches happen, and I don't know why I was knocked down just as I was standing up again. What I do know is that even though I didn't feel him this weekend, God was with me.