71 Days (Not that I'm counting)

I just spent some time re-reading this blog. I've been all over the map, haven't I? I was glad to be reminded of some of the strokes of insight I had, in particular this one:

"I need to let go of the things in my life that are holding me back in order to make room for the things that God wants to put there."

No doubt some of the things that are holding me back are my beliefs, one of which I crushed this week in another moment of insight. I have been believing that this whole Christianity "God thing" was a phase. I have been waiting for myself to drop it, the way that I've dropped dozens of programs and grand plans before it. They say that it takes three weeks to make a habit but for me it has taken almost a year. 

You know, I've stuck with the YONA even during the really hard times. I've stuck with it in times of celebration and boredom and anger and pain. Just go with me on this one, but that is what I need to do with God as well. I need to stick with him even when I don't see the point or the purpose, even when all I want to do is the spiritual version of ditching the YONA and grabbing a glass of wine. I'm not sure what that would be, but it seemed like a good analogy when I started that sentence.

Anyway.

I needed this year to prove to myself that I have staying power with something that makes no rational sense at all. 

God and the YONA

A faithful reader asked me to explain how God relates to the YONA.

The short answer is that there is no relation. But since I couldn't spend a year writing about how I wasn't drinking I had to write about something and God is what has been on my mind this year.

The long answer is more complicated and it begins with me deciding to believe that God exists and that he loves me. (I don't believe that God has a gender but am using he because using she bugs me) From there I asked myself "What would it be like to live as if God existed? What would it be like to live as if the Bible were true?"

I was raised a Catholic, but not a very well educated one. The fourth of five children, I was left out of the religious education that my older siblings got when my parents decided they couldn't afford four children in private school. I went to "CCD" (Sunday School not on Sunday) off and on, but since I couldn't even tell you what CC or D stands for it didn't have a huge impact on me.

Catholic God was scary. Church was boring and sometimes scary. I walked away from the Catholic Church when I was in college, went back for a visit to get my daughter baptized, and never returned.  God was awkward to talk about and if I were to be honest I was kinda mad at him for some stuff that happened when I was a child.

My daughter, who never went to church as a child, has had a solid belief in God for as long as I can remember. What I don't remember is talking to her about God, so I have always considered that a sign that he exists. I wasn't going to be on speaking terms with him, but I was glad that he was a presence in my daughter's life.

Years passed and I got a yearning to go to church. I didn't want to go to a Catholic church, so we went to a non-denominational Christian church. It was there that I slowly began to accept that God wasn't such a bad guy. He didn't just want to punish me for doing wrong things. I couldn't quite call him God yet - when I spoke of such things I always said The Spiritual. I was connecting with The Spiritual. 

More years passed, some of them non-church going ones, and I once again wanted to connect. We found another non-denominational church, and it was there that I slowly began to accept that God loves me. He wants to have a relationship with me. He has been calling to me all these years, waiting for me to turn in his direction. 

There's a song lyric that I love which describes what I think about that time. 

Be Still, I'll never leave you

When you're far, I am near

"Don't Give Up On Me"

MercyMe

No matter how far away I was, God was always right there with me, waiting for me to turn to him.  And believe me, I was pretty far away many times.

So all of that lead up to my question to myself last fall, right before I started the YONA. What would it be like to live as if Christianity were true? I stopped asking questions (I can hear the shrieks of the atheists from here) and decided to just trust and believe. 

I don't think that anyone has ever convinced anyone that God exists. I go on faith. I have decided to live like a believer. So that is why there are posts on here about God and my search for him in my life. I believe you have to be looking in order to see his presence, and while I am in the beginning stages of life as a Christian I have seen him and felt him often enough for my belief to be justified. 

God didn't tell me to give up alcohol, although he did have a hand in telling me what day to start. When December 6th hits - in 94 days - I know he's not going to mind me going to back to drinking. While connecting with him I've learned something about moderation, and that's a good thing.