Friends

I was shown a series of photos today of an impromptu get together at a local bar. Two became four, which then became a half dozen or more gathered together, responding to texts or phone calls.  "Come on out" I imagine someone saying.  "We're having a great time."

My phone was silent.

I have long struggled with feelings of exclusion, of not feeling like I am fun enough for someone to want to call me at the end of the day to say "come on out".  I can't even rationalize the non-invitation with the thought that some of them know that I am not drinking. Truth be told, if I were drinking I would not have been included in that round of texts and phone calls.  

I have declined after work excursions to have a drink for a long time.  In the past I have not trusted myself to have one or two and stop there.  I have not wanted to go and not drink, and I have not wanted to go and drink too much, so I have opted not to go.  After awhile the invitations stopped, and even though I understand it somehow I still feel sad when I am not included.

This is hard for me because I desperately want to be okay with it.  I want to be okay with not being invited. Yes, even though I would not have gone, I would have liked to have been invited.  I would have liked for someone to say "You should be here too."

Barring that, I would have liked not to have known that the get together happened.

I know I am being unreasonable. 

This is where I need to turn to God and answer his invitation to me.  He always calls, he always wants me to be around.  

I'm not there yet, but I look forward to the day when that will heal the ache in my heart.