On Being Held (Part 2)

I wonder how much back story you need for this one.

In 2010 I began working out with a personal trainer. Over the next two years he pissed me off, made me cry, called me out, and pushed me harder than anyone ever had. He also listened to me, asked me questions, encouraged me, and believed in me. Sometimes I thought he was the only one who was asking too much of me, and other times I thought he was the only one telling me the truth. I lost 60 pounds with him in two years, and when he asked more of me I quit.

In early 2013 he opened his own facility and I began training with him again. I had regained most of the weight I had lost but knowing that I had succeeded with him before I thought I could do it again. I went from personal training sessions to group training sessions. Nothing happened on the scale, and then my back/hip injuries got the better of me again. I dropped out of the sessions for a couple months. When I thought I was ready to return he made me an offer: I could come to his studio and by myself do an upper body workout that he created for me. When I got back into good enough shape - and by that he meant able to do one of his normal full body workouts - then I could return to the group session. It was a very kind offer and I took him up on it.

Two days ago I had a medical procedure done on my back that was one of those "it's going to feel worse before it feels better" sort of things. I texted my trainer and told him that I wouldn't be able to do some of the workout. When I got to the studio I asked him if he had gotten the text, and he said yes but that it was up to me to decide what I needed to do to modify the exercise. He said this was my workout and I was the one who had to do what was right for me. If something hurt, don't do it. Keep it simple and just keep moving.

Interesting. 

As I did the workout the bad thoughts tried to come out. I wondered if this was his way of ditching me. Did he no longer think that it was worth his time to help me? Was he abandoning me? Or was he empowering me to do this on my own?

One piece to this story that I have started to type out once or twice already but keep putting off is that I credit this man with leading me towards God. It is a long story, for he approached this subject very slowly and cautiously over a couple of years, but he is the reason I decided to trust God. He has a deep faith which isn't apparent in his words necessarily - he is not the "shout hallelujah" type - but is definitely evident in his actions. 

Knowing all that, I still questioned whether he really had just had enough of my disappointing results this time around. As I said, the bad thoughts. I know, however, that when I don't know for sure why someone is doing something I get to make up a story in my head about why that thing is happening. I can either make up a bad story - he is abandoning me - or I can make up a good story - he is empowering me because he knows I can do this on my own.

The trouble was, I didn't like either story. Empowering me still felt like abandoning me. So I wondered how else I could view this situation.

And that's when I recognized that I was being held.

I have held on so tightly to this trainer, asking everything from him, wanting him to save me from myself. In the middle of my workout I realized that I could stop holding on and instead allow and accept that I was being held. He was providing a space for me, a safe space for me to do what I needed to do. 

Suddenly I felt both peaceful and powerful. 

"There's freedom in surrender

Lay it down and let it go"