And God said "Hush"

On Friday a burden was lifted and it doesn't matter what it was or how it came to be relieved.

The first thing I wanted to do was have a drink to celebrate. As the day wore on and I considered all of the stress that had been lifted off my shoulders the urge to drink got more pronounced.  It was such a relief that I almost convinced myself that having a glass of champagne or sharing a bottle of wine with my husband was the only way to celebrate our good fortune.

I rationalized my decision with "It's only one night of drinking" and "No one has to know", but also with "If I told anyone what has happened they would understand my celebration." It was tempting.

It was also an excuse. 

I didn't give in and I'm glad of it. Just as drinking doesn't take away pain or stress or anger or sadness, it also doesn't increase joy or relief. I will follow through with my Year of No Alcohol in both the bad times and the good.

So back to the burden and the lifting thereof. My brain is a complicated thing, and it doesn't process things in a simple manner. All weekend it worked and worried, spinning in circles as it tried to understand how it came to be that I was blessed. There is no deserving of such a thing. 

Mostly I wondered what role God played in my good fortune. Ever since I was baptized in October life has gotten increasingly more difficult. It would have been easy for me to think that I had been a fool to trust that God would come through for me, and yet I kept trusting. Honestly, I had no energy for anything else. I couldn't force the situation to be resolved and I was out of options. So I did as I wrote about a couple weeks ago - I stopped holding on and I allowed myself to be held by God.

He came through for me in an extravagant way.

What does that mean? How did that happen? What brought about the change in my circumstances that relieved my stress? Did God do it? If he did, why did he do it? How do I know it was him?

Spin. Spin. Spin.

I decided to talk to my pastor about it. As I considered how to approach him I realized that the story was long and involved, but that possibly I could pare it down to a couple questions. I thought about talking to one of two church small groups I am involved with. I wanted someone to explain to me how I came to be blessed. I knew it was an extravagant blessing that I received and I was immensely happy to receive it, but my old lizard friend kept whispering in my ear "Yea, but ..." 

• I don't deserve it
• It doesn't make sense
• What does it mean?
• What does this say about God?

Then I realized that the only one who could answer my questions was God, so I took them to him.

And God said "Hush".

Like a father to a child who is scared and doesn't understand what is happening, he held me in his arms, stroked my hair, and said "hush". I don't need to understand. I don't need to know what it means. I have been blessed and that is more than enough to know. 

Now every time my mind starts spinning, asking questions to which there are no answers, I hear God say "Hush" and I am calmed once more.