Trying So Hard to Stop Trying So Hard

I have lost the desire to work on Project Ginny: The Body Edition.

One friend recently told me that it is like I am putting on one hair shirt after another. Another friend said that every time she read I was adding something to either my To-Do or To-Don't list she cringed.

I am tired of punishing myself for having this body. I am tired of spending so much time and so much money on trying to force it to be something other than what it is. I've muddied the process up with unrealistic expectations and anger and hatred and regret that I no longer know what balanced or healthy would feel like.

Don't get me wrong, I know what balanced and healthy are. I know what I should do in order to attain those things, but the whole endeavor is covered in the muck and slime. Even when I am skinny my brain is still fat.

Have I mentioned lately how difficult it is to be me?

I try so hard to be good. I try so hard to be healthy. I try so hard to fix everything that is wrong with me, all the while a little voice in side of me is shouting "Will you relax already??"

Once in awhile I will listen to the voice and collapse, but that is not the same thing as relaxing. It is merely a stopping point for gathering strength to take another run up Mount Everything I Should Be and Do But Am Not Being or Doing Yet. 

Here is my newest plan:

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Be still.

Be held.

Relax.

From there I'll see what I feel like doing.