Be Still

The other day I came home from an exhausting day.  It wasn't a bad day, merely one that was full of many different activities, running around, switching roles from employee to wife to patient to parent to customer.  It was the kind of day that would normally lead me straight to a glass of wine as I unwound and made dinner.  What I did when I got home was pour myself a glass of non-alcoholic wine.

What's wrong with that, you wonder.  I was holding to the letter of my law; I wasn't drinking alcohol.  But I was using the faux wine in the same way that I used real wine - as a way to calm myself down and not face head on the emotions that had been stirred up.  I was reaching for something outside of myself to avoid what was going on inside of me.

What I hope for in the future is that I will be aware enough of what I am experiencing that I will take moments throughout the day to just breath, to check out of whatever is going on and check in with myself.  Some days I just run and run and run, don't you?  What if I took some time during those days to stop what I'm doing and be still?  

I bought myself a necklace as Christmas present last year and I wear it all of the time.  It says "Be still" and I wear it because I so often forget to do that.  You may know that is the beginning of a passage in the Bible that says "Be still and know that I am God."  When I bought the necklace I wasn't ready to finish the verse.  I found a lot of jewelery with the full verse, but it took me a long time to find one that simply said "be still".  I think now I am ready and it is helpful to me to know that he is God and I am not.  I don't have to do or be everything; I can relax and know that he is in charge. 

But until I can make it a regular habit to check in with myself during the day I don't want to be using fake wine or fake beer in the same way that I used alcohol before.  That would make this whole year long experiment pointless.  I wouldn't learn anything.  

I need to be able to sit with the feelings that come up at precisely those times when I reach out for something.  After wearing this necklace for a year, I really do need to be still.