I am more than ready for this to be over.
I am not dying for a drink nor am I tempted to drink. I just want to be done with this because it is like this "thing" hanging over my head.
It's a burden. It's annoying.
It is a simple decision that I made seven months ago that once was interesting but now is boring.
I haven't learned anything except that I can say no to alcohol.
And truth be told, I'm a little irritated that I am not going to give this up.
Why is that? Why can't I just say "I don't want to do this anymore"?
Am I afraid of what it might say about me? Am I worried that I will end up regretting that first drink because I didn't stick this out to the end?
What is that all about?
I used to think that it was a good thing to stick with my commitments. But when commitments no longer make sense is it still a good thing?
I know I can walk right in to the kitchen, open the refrigerator, and pour myself a glass of wine. No one - except my daughter - will be disappointed. That's not a guess; she told me so just now when I asked her. My husband would probably be immensely relieved and completely supportive. Others may or may not congratulate me for making it this far. Most others won't care one way or the other.
Maybe my irritation is about having to wait. I wonder when was the last time that I had to wait so long for something.
And it's not like there is going to be any big payoff at the end of this either.
I'm not counting days until a big vacation.
I'm not awaiting the arrival of a baby.
I'm not looking forward to retirement or the start of a new job or a visit from a good friend.
All I'm doing is passing time waiting until I can have a glass of wine again. What a waste of the passage of time.
There are 148 days until the end of this project. What else can I do in 148 days? Maybe if I have something tangible to show for this I can make it through the next five months without making myself crazy.
And there it is. The thing that has been lurking around the edges of my mind for awhile now.
What would it be like to read the Bible?
After doing some careful research with chapters and verses and numbers of each, I have decided that a reasonable goal is to read the 150 chapters of Psalms during these last five months of my YONA. I was going to go for the entire New Testament, but the numbers weren't coming out as neatly as they do with Psalms. I'll start out reading the first three today, and then do one a day for the next 147 days.
Well. So now there's that.
I have never read the Bible. There is too much fiction out there, that I would rather read.
ReplyDeleteYou wrote, "I used to think that it was a good thing to stick with my commitments. But when commitments no longer make sense is it still a good thing?" I can understand that statement. I want to leave my marriage. I have been married for almost 29 years, and have been unhappy for most of it. I never have felt like we were a couple. I should have left 18 years ago, because of something that happened, but I didn't because the kids were young, and I wanted to be sure that he paid for college for them. He was then working out of state for 10years, and I refused to move. It has been worse since he moved back, unemployed and not looking for a job.
I tried to get him to leave, but he won't. When I move, it will mean buying a house. No place rents to someone with animals. I refuse to leave them behind.
I have been divorced once before, and should have stayed that way. My present dh should have married someone who had gone to no more than HS. He claimed he wanted a smart woman, all he really wanted was a 1950s housewife who waited on him hand and foot. That is, and will never be me. I understand not wanting to stick to a commitment. It is not a good one. Never was. Yea, it is different issue, but commitment is commitment.
I lost interest in fiction a couple of years ago, and while I do enjoy it from time to time, I would much rather read non-fiction these days. No doubt I am currently in a phase of reading Christian non-fiction (what it is to live a Christian life) but before that I read a lot about the brain and quantum physics and before that more self-help books than you can shovel out the door. Who am I and what makes me tick and what I can I do to tick differently has been the overall theme of my book selections for about ten years. Having said that, I did read Alice Hoffman's Probable Future while I was on my staycation and enjoyed it immensely. Maybe the season for fiction is coming back around for me.
ReplyDeleteAs for your commitment issue it is radically different than mine. I firmly believe that we are given one life to live and it is up to us to make it the life that we want. You can do that with your unemployed not looking for a job husband or you can do it without him. I read once during my self-help book reading phase that if someone uses lack of money or resources as a reason for not leaving a bad situation they aren't serious about leaving. I challenge your statement that no place rents to someone with animals.
What are you getting from staying in your current situation? There is always a pay off for sticking with something you say you don't want. For instance, the pay off for me in constantly sabotaging my weight loss efforts is that I get to indulge in self-pity. Feeling sorry for myself is a life long habit, one that soothes me in its familiarity as much as it tears me apart. I catch myself doing it and often times can turn the tide, but other times - oh let's say like last night - I give in to it. I recognize what I'm doing but that is only the first step in a long process of undoing.
I don't know your whole story Sheila, and I for sure don't know what you should do, but if we're talking about commitments and not wanting to stick to one, I'm right there with you.