The Habit of Sadness

At work the other day there were donuts in the morning and cake in the afternoon. Old me on a diet would have used the excuse that these were for a celebration - two retirements - and therefore I was allowed to have some. More recent me may have resisted both the donuts and the cake, but it would have been a struggle and I would have been angry. Today's me didn't think twice about having either the donuts or the cake, but today's me was sad.

I couldn't finish the sentence "I feel sad because ..." but I recognized the feeling of sadness. Every thought that I tried to associate with the feeling didn't ring true. I didn't think I was being left out. I didn't think the donuts or cake would have tasted amazing. I didn't think that I would never again have the opportunity to have baked goods.

Undoubtedly I felt sad when I thought about the donuts and cake, but as I worked it over in my mind I slowly came to realize that feeling sad was merely a habit that I had developed.

Event X = Feeling Y

So now what? Good to know, certainly. Should I purposely conjure up the opposite feeling? I could make up new thoughts about how I am honoring myself and choosing good foods for my body, but that feels, at this moment, like so much blah blah blah.

I'm in a funk.

Even though I started this post days ago the funk has stayed with me. I've had a few moments out of it, but I am on a downhill slide. Or maybe I'm looking wistfully back at the mountain of weight behind me and wishing it were still about climbing that darn thing."Time to head north" sounded great, what was it? More than two weeks ago? I'm wandering aimlessly now, no longer hearing the voice of God. Is it time to hit the hot tub again?

More questions than answers. 

Here's how I picture myself. Head down, I'm watching one foot go in front of the other. I stop periodically to open a can of tuna fish and eat it without feeling - no joy or gratitude or awareness of making a "good" choice. I've had more than a couple difficult days where I feel hungry most of the time, and I am currently both hungry and nauseous. In the back of my mind I'm wondering if I'm nauseous because I'm hungry. This doesn't feel right.

This still feels like ignoring my body's hunger signals. It's not right when I ignore them and eat when I'm not hungry, and it isn't right when I ignore them and don't eat when I am hungry.

I've been here and I've done this before. I need to make different decisions but I don't trust myself to know what the right decisions are. 

Or is that just another habit? Not a habit of sadness but a habit of not trusting myself?

I exhaust myself.

In two days it will be the six month mark of my Year of No Alcohol. I miss it. It feels I am depriving myself for no good reason. The results I am seeing are not ones that I would have chosen. Nothing is clearer; I haven't made any huge leaps in my health or my weight. 

Hard, hard, hard. And yet ...

Onward. Ever onward.