A week and a day late with this post, but I passed the halfway point on June 6.
Not drinking is easier than I thought it would be. The anticipation of not drinking at events usually turns out to be worse than the experience of it. It's not such a big deal not to drink; I don't feel weird, and I haven't had but a few moments of feeling left out.
There is still, however, a longing. A regret, almost, that I made this deal with myself. I am aware of how easily I could change my mind and have a drink. There is nothing but myself keeping me from doing that. There is nothing but this "what would it be like to?" hanging over my head. I wonder, at times, what this is really all about.
Part of it, I think, is testing to see if I can trust myself to keep a promise to myself. I've been slippery in the past, making and then breaking dozens of promises to be healthier, eat better, drink less, sleep more.
Six months is more than enough time to realize that I am not going to break this promise this time. Why oh why did I have to go with a whole year? Certainly six months of no drinking is a long enough time. The Half Year of No Alcohol (HYONA?) doesn't have quite the ring to it, but it would have served its purpose.
That's assuming I know what the purpose of this year is.
Which I don't.
While it is true that I have a closer relationship to God now than I did six months ago, I can't see a solid connection between that and not drinking. It's not like I've prayed to God to help me not drink. It's also not like I've been severely tempted to drink and have turned to God instead.
Maybe it is as simple as this experiment of not drinking has merely been a means of allowing a relationship to develop between me and God. All throughout the day I find myself turning to him more and more, and I don't know that if I hadn't taken alcohol out of the equation I would have even thought to do that. It is possible that if I had given up anything else - magazines, Spider Solitaire, that blasted 2048 game - and told myself that I would turn to God instead I would have ended up right where I am now. Maybe it was just the choice to make God a part of my life, and the thing that I gave up was meaningless.
I guess I'll never know.
But here I am, halfway through a Year of No Alcohol, wondering what the next six months will bring.
I am so happy to hear you reached HYONA! You have accomplished quite a bit, AND you will continue to accomplish! Have you thought about what you will do at the end of the year? Have a drink? Just go on as you have the last year?
ReplyDeleteWhen I first read the word HYONA, I thought you had meant to write hyena, which then got me researching hyena... and I learned more than anyone needs to http://www.wired.com/2014/05/fantastically-wrong-sexually-deviant-hyenas/. I miss hosting games. I could have done a whole one just on hyenas.
LOL - I miss playing MOMS ONLINE games with you Sheila! We should do a Skype version with the old gang :-)
ReplyDeleteI've thought a lot about what I will do at the end of the year, and it will definitely involve a drink. What kind has been the subject of a number of conversations. I love champagne, so I was thinking maybe an expensive bottle of champagne to celebrate. One thing's for sure, it will NOT be a mixed drink. Those things knock me for a loop anyway.