When Jesus was asked how many times we should forgive our brothers he replied "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven".
When I was a young child I was molested. For the past forty years as the memory has crossed my mind I have been given the opportunity to forgive the man responsible. In the beginning, that wasn't even a possibility. As I got older I came to a place of acceptance and played around with forgiveness. What I'm discovering after all this time is that every time I think of what happened I have to forgive him all over again. Occasionally it happens simultaneously with the first thoughts, but more often than not it is a process. The wounds are there; the pain is there. I feel the hurt of betrayal and, when I can, I forgive once more. Seventy times seven times.
This is what I think about when I want to feel virtuous about forgiveness. I avoid thinking about the fact that I just unfriended someone on Facebook because I can't forgive her. What has she done, you ask? Nothing. She has done nothing. She hasn't answered texts or emails, and she hasn't reached out to me in almost a year. We were close friends at one time and then we weren't, with no explanation. It is as if she simply forgot about me. I am not even up to one time forgiving her.
I unfriended her on Facebook because I decided that I didn't want to be presented with all of those opportunities to forgive her. If I don't see her or hear about her - we don't have any mutual friends - then I don't have to think about her or feel hurt again. This is ugly business on my part. I am holding on to this grudge with both hands, with both feet firmly planted in the ground. I will not be moved.
And for this, I need forgiveness.
I have volunteered with the local Rape Crisis Center, for almost 2 years. I think you should call your local one, go in, and talk with them about it. You were sexually assaulted. This article suggests writing a letter to them. http://www.marydemuth.com/how-do-you-forgive-a-sexual-abuser-by-writing-a-letter/. If you don't want to call your local hotline, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline - 1.800.656.HOPE. This is also a good website: https://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline
ReplyDeleteSheila, thank you so much for your concern. About eleven years ago a therapist I was working with suggested writing a story giving back the shame of the incident to the person who molested me. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, writing that scene. I've revisited the story a couple of times since then, each time moving closer to forgiveness until I finally got there. I believe it is an ongoing process, not a "one time and it's done" sort of thing. I'll read the article you shared and see what the author has to say. Thank you too for your work volunteering with the crisis center. Knowing you as I do I am certain that you have comforted and guided many people in the past two years.
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